Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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