if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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