I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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