Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
