i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
