Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
