the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
