When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
