Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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