I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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