I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
