Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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