And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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