I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You're a waste of cheezeits
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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