There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
