I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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