So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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