Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
