I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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