He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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