I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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