I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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