This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
