i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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