Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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