in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
