I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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