I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
