Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
