Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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