Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
