I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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