I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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