Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
