The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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