I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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