i think my mom watched the whole time
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
