I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
