what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
