I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
