i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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