That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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