Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
