Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
