I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
