I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
a search helicopter?!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
