I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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