If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
