I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
