There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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