my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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