My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
