I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
