found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
