my soul wont recognize me after tonight
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So much rum. So many feels.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
