Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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