Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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