i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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