i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
