Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize