all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My vagina just clenched in fear
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
