It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
