P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
